TIMBER!

The Logtown Lumber Company announced that its quarterly profits would be larger than predicted by analysts for the seventh consecutive quarter, which will result in added bonuses for every member of the 300+ employees of the self-owned business.

It is expected that most of the money, continuing custom, will be donated to the Logtown High football program.

The Logtown Lumber Company has called a press conference for tomorrow afternoon.

Parents of injured freshman contest detention

The parents of the Logtown High freshman injured in an outhouse explosion have contested their child’s mandatory detention for violating the ‘No Open Flames Near the Outhouse’ rule.

“We just moved here this summer, and we live in the Foundation District,” father Jim Smith said. “Our daughter didn’t know any better about how serious the ‘NO SMOKING’ sign in the outhouse truly is. I think she’s suffered enough, and I’m sure she’s learned her lesson.”

Wayne Plupe, Logtown principal, had no comment about Mr. Smith’s comments, nor did he respond to questions about penalties for freshmen that smoke on campus.

Students to get workplace experience

The Logtown High journalism class will take a field trip as they follow a local reporter on his duties writing for a professional newspaper.

Richie Potts, class instructor, was enthusiastic about showing his students what true journalism was all about.

“We only do this once every four years,” Potts said, “so that students only get to experience this once, and hopefully they will appreciate it more.”

LOGTOWN (UPI) – City council voted tonight to keep the current Logtown High School symbol, despite the annual protest of Council member T.J. Bowl.

“One of these years,” Bowl said in a post-meeting interview, “I’m going to get one more vote and things will change for the better.”

Since Bowl was elected as the Council representative from District 3 - known to locals as ‘The Foundation District’ because there are no mobile homes in the District – he has campaigned unsuccessfully to have the Logtown High symbol changed from an outhouse to an oak tree.

“Why in Pete’s name would Logtown High have an oak tree for its symbol?” District 1 representative Stan Crapper opined after the meeting. “This town is all about logs, and having a tree for a symbol sends an unusually violent message to outsiders of our community.”

District 2 representative Pete Spurtz opposed the change for different reasons.

“As you know,” Spurtz said, “my entire district is comprised of mobile homes and shacks with dirt floors. Having that outhouse as a symbol for our institution of higher education hearkens back to the days when none of the homes in this town had indoor plumbing and that outhouse was the only place we had to go. Why in Stan’s name would we want to abandon our heritage?”

As recently as 1978, the outhouse in front of the high school was the only toilet in town. On Nov. 17, 1977, police records indicate that Stan Crapper and Pete Spurtz came to blows over who placed their hand on the door handle – Logtown etiquette for determining outhouse order – first. After the spring thaw, Crapper opened his own trailer park, Crapper’s Park, and installed his own outhouse.

In other council business, the council voted unanimously to rebuild the outhouse in front of the school after one of the freshman allegedly attempted to light a cigarette inside of it Monday morning during school hours. The freshman suffered severe burns, but will be given detention upon his return to school for violating the ‘No Open Flames Near the Outhouse’ rule that has been in effect since the town was founded.

Last things first -- enough of this is fiction that you shouldn't believe it as true.

Welcome to the cast of characters at Logtown High, nickname Loggers.

Young MC is the girls' basketball coach. His claim to fame is that he broke the gender barrier in high school athletics by becoming the first male to play girls' basketball.

Simon Liebowitz is the short, bespectacled, bow-tie wearing political science teacher who rants in a thick southern accent, drinks heavily, and spends the first month of each school year with an unusual tan line resulting from the shaving of his face-covering summer beard. The louder and angrier he gets, the funnier it is.

Richie is the cafeteria manager and journalism teacher. He's really tall and skinny, and smokes cigarettes.

Fletcher is Richie's best friend and writes for the big town newspaper 40 miles away, but his only beat is covering events in Logtown, Population 3473. Fletcher has a lot of free time.

There are lots of other secondary characters who will be making appearances from time to time, occasionally when they're aware of it.

If ever the Tales From Logtown take a turn into nonsensical stage performances, I'm ripping the idea off from Richard Davis. Please don't sue.