01/23/2008
A Tale of Woe
Fletcher and Richie have just concluded another game of Madden. Fletcher is not happy, because this time Richie scored three touchdowns. Fletcher still won, convincingly, but that’s more touchdowns than Richie usually scores in a week.
“I’m gonna get a beer,” Fletcher said. “You want one?”
“Hell yes, I want one,” Richie replied. “But how?”
“The fridge holds beer, right?”
“No. The fridge held beer.”
Fletcher grumbled. “No money for beer now?”
“Nope.”
“Then this is a bad situation.”
“Can’t you buy some beer?”
“I already bought beer this week. It was supposed to be your turn.”
“Damn, I need a job.”
“I might be needing one, too. Apparently, the paper is considering closing the Logtown office as part of budget cuts.”
“Can’t you move back to the big city, and work for them there?”
“I don’t think so. The editor doesn’t like me. I accidentally called her a fat cow on an open conference call.”
“So what will we do for beer?”
“I don’t know.”
It was at this point that Simon walked in. He wasn’t carrying a vegetable this time, which was unusual, and he had a plastic grocery bag in his hand. His eyes looked glazed, and both Fletcher and Richie noticed he was acting strangely. More strangely than usual.
“Simon, what’s wrong?”
Simon mumbled something that neither of them could distinguish.
“Simon, what’s in the bag?”
Simon said something that sounded like “Mmmm,” and tossed the bag at Richie. He missed.
Richie picked up the bag and set it on the sofa between himself and Fletcher. Fletcher opened the bag so that both of them could look inside. They looked in, furrowed their brows, and looked at each other with puzzled looks. Then they looked back at Simon.
"Mushrooms?"
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01/16/2008
The coffers are running dry
Sadly for our beloved Logtown fans, nobody suggested a new moniker for Young MC. So, he remains Young MC.
The job search has been producing nothing for Richie. He keeps hoping for an ad looking for a male pole dancer, but the demand for such things is light beyond his mother's trailer, where he is expected to perform for free, and receives very few tips, other than to grease the pole so he doesn't get pole-burn.
Facing a financial crunch, Richie has been saving cigarette butts and using the leftover tobacco to roll cigarettes. Early on, he was only smoking these every fifth cigarette, or every other hour, but the ratio has been closing in on 1:1 lately. Fletcher has arrived after another miserable day at work to play some Madden.
"Hey Richie, are you ready to play?"
"I'm not feeling like getting my ass handed to me again right now. I wonder if playing you has the same effect on my psyche as if I were married."
"I didn't think you'd be in a very good mood, so I brought you a gift."
"I hope it's a better gift than those chili farts you've been bringing with you the last few days."
"It is. Here."
Fletcher reached into his bag, and produced something that brought a huge smile to Richie's face. A carton of Marlboro Lights.
"Fletcher, I'd marry you if I weren't a non-practing homosexual."
"I know. You're welcome. You ready for Madden now?"
Before responding -- actually before listening to Fletcher's question, Richie had tore open the carton, pulled out a pack, tapped it on his palm, opened the wrapper, pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and taken a drag....
"Yes, and I'll play a full game, no matter what the score."
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10/10/2007
Where have you been?
Welcome back to Logtown. Time doesn’t pass as quickly here as in the real world, but nonetheless, things have changed. I’m a new narrator. The old narrator, with the sultry, sexy, female voice, has been replaced. I’m an old man, with a gravelly voice. Don’t confuse us.
Simon is now dating a watermelon. He’s happy about that, but the cantaloupe he dumped is not. The cantaloupe is peering angrily in the window at Simon and his watermelon. Maybe someone will file a restraining order if they ever notice.
Richie has started scanning the local want ads for a new job. In Logtown, the want ads are typed on a sheet of paper and stapled to the back of the outhouse near the school. So far, Richie hasn’t found much interesting.
Fletcher is still pretty much a loser. His diet of less-than-healthy food has led to extreme bouts of flatulence, which is becoming dangerous with Richie still chain-smoking cigarettes. I wonder who will write the story when the mobile home explodes during a game of Madden when those two things mix fatally.
I’m glad I’m just narrating, and not sitting in that trailer with them.
Young MC? Glad you asked. Actually, I’m glad you remembered him. Because he’s just walked through the door, and he doesn’t look happy.
Richie: Hey, Young, what’s going on? You want to play Fletcher? He’s kicking my ass, as usual.
Young MC: No, I don’t want to play. That game sucks. Why can’t we get an X-Box?
Fletcher: Because nobody wants to pay for one.
Simon (to his watermelon): Where do you want to eat tonight, darling?
Young MC: I need a new name. I’m sick of everyone calling me ‘Young MC.’
Richie: Why?
Young MC: Because everyone keeps asking me if I want to Bust a Move. And it’s old. And starting to get annoying.
Fletcher: (starts making noises that sound something like the song that Young MC hates)
Young MC: (glares at Fletcher)
Fletcher: (ignores Young MC, keeps making noises, begins to shimmy his shoulders)
Richie: When’s the pizza gonna get here?
Simon: I don’t know. But I’m not staying for dinner. We’re going to Burger King.
Well, I’m not going to sit here and wait for the boys’ pizza to arrive. You can, but I’m not going to tell you what’s going on. While you’re waiting, if you’ve got an idea for Young MC’s new moniker, why don’t you share it with us?
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02/24/2006
Logtown's Newest Resident
As we rejoin our favorite superheroes in the thralls of Madden, Fletcher has scored his seventh consecutive touchdown on the same pass pattern, and Richie isn't happy. Simon is whispering sweet nothings to a grapefruit.
"Can we quit now? I give up," Richie said.
"Whatever," Fletcher conceded, knowing full well Richie could endure only so much beating before he quit in the second quarter on a regular basis. His attempt to give Richie a shot by calling the same play over and over again had only confused Richie even more. "You seen the new guy in town?"
Simon looked up. "Yeah, I seen him this morning at the gas station. He waved and said hello, like he was a friendly guy."
"Did you happen to notice anything different about him?"
"Besides that he was black?" Simon replied.
Now would be a good time to inform our fans and haters that black people were uncommon residents in Logtown not because Logtown was full of rednecks, but rather most blacks thought it so foolish to focus so much attention and affection for outhouses when plumbing seemed the more desirable choice. Before this individual arrived, no blacks had moved to Logtown since the foundation district was formed. But back to our story....
"I saw him at the grocery store," Richie chimed in. "I thought he was a traveling salesman or something, him being black and all. He even introduced himself to me, said his name was Joseph Shakur. But he looked sort of familiar, like I'd seen him before."
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01/28/2006
The aftermath of learning
Much has transpired since our last visit to Logtown. Richie was suspended from teaching until this week, and relieved of his cafeteria duties. Fletcher also recently completed a suspension for discrepancies concerning expense reports, though not fired. Finding a replacement for the Logtown beat is not an easy task - there's a longer line of applicants to be Pigpen's personal groomer. Simon, happily, did not get suspended. But he's been receiving very guarded reactions from everyone since he came out as a vegisexual, and students have taken to leaving various vegetable products on his desk as jokes. You shouldn't need a narrator to figure out he's not reacting well to this...
Richie was alone in the trailer, enjoying his 'Chaotic' DVDs, when Simon burst in with a corncob in his hand. He looked only slightly crazed, but highly annoyed.
"I laughed when I got the cantelope," Simon said, brandishing the shucked ear of corn, "but this isn't right. I'm not gay! What do they think I'm going to do with this?"
Richie had taken advantage of Simon's focused rant to flip the TV back to the cable. Simon hadn't noticed, but now it was on Oprah. You win some, you don't lose others as badly as you could have...
"I don't want to think about it," Richie commented, flipping open his silver Zippo to light the cigarette that had been hanging from his lip since Simon entered, and now it has stuck there. "Maybe they meant for you to do whatever it is you do to make creamed corn out of that."
Simon's face relaxed to ponder that thought, but only for a moment. "That's crap." He pitched the ear of corn towards the kitchen and deposited himself next to Richie on the sofa. "Oprah?"
Richie had gotten too involved unsticking the cigarette from his lip to change the channel. This one wasn't too painful. "Hey, I drove past your apartment today, and that Halloween pumpkin is still on your porch. You plan on getting rid of that?"
Simon's look told Richie that nobody had been thinking about that pumpkin in months. But what Simon had been thinking about that pumpkin made Simon's eyes glaze in a way that gave Richie delayed goose bumps.
"That pumpkin only had one hole in it, didn't it?"
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09/26/2005
A Review of What We’ve Learned, Chapter 34
Fletcher and Richie are sitting in Richie’s mobile home in the far recesses of Crapper’s Park, engaged in a NCAA Football contest on the big screen TV that is far too large for such a cramped space. Pizza boxes, empty beer and soda cans, and shattered video game controllers provide décor. Richie’s multi-colored, mixed breed dog Vito is curled up next to the TV, licking himself happily.
While you were reading that, Fletcher returned an interception for a TD, making the score 41-0 in the first quarter. Richie hit the reset button.
Fletcher: At least you didn’t break anything.
Richie (lighting cigarette): <a few choice expletives deleted>
Richie: They got pretty mad at me today…thanks.
Fletcher: I’m not the one who picked the day for the field trip. You think I’m going to cancel my day of inspiration to do work that doesn’t exist?
Richie: Inspiration?
Fletcher: It’s my golf day! Golf. It inspires me to keep holding a job where I don’t have hours that restrict me from outdoor activities. And it’s always funny to write about golf. I could write about Bart getting run over by the golf cart until my fingers hurt. That was hilarious!
Richie: Ok, it was funny. (looking at the team selection screen) We need to make a rule where you can’t be USC…
A knock at the door reveals Simon and Young MC, supplies and controllers in hand. Simon looks unusually agitated. Not just his usual agitated. Let’s get out the ‘ear muffs’ for a moment while he gets himself situated in one of the plush recliners that bookend the sofa. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that Richie owes more on his living room set than he paid for his car. But that’s for another time; Simon seems to have calmed down.
By the way, the game between Fletcher and Richie has reached the 4th quarter.
Young MC: My girlfriend broke up with me….
Richie: Again?
Fletcher: Again?
Simon: Again?
Young MC: Again.
Richie: How long since you first started going out?
Young MC: Four months.
Richie: How many times has she broken up with you?
Young MC: Four.
Richie: How many months has she been out of high school?
Young MC (annoyed): Are you getting at something?
Richie: Am I the only one who sees this pattern?
Simon: Looks longingly towards kitchen
Fletcher: How long does it usually take until they get back together? Until she remembers her parents threw her out?
Richie: That sounds about right.
Simon: I’m gonna go to the kitchen for something….
Young MC: I really wish you guys would quit making fun of my girlfriend. So what if she’s young? Don’t we all want young girlfriends?
Fletcher: We want young girls, not young girlfriends. Oh, and speaking of your girlfriend, did she tell you we saw her at work Thursday when we were on our field trip? She’s looking pretty good.
The sound of an electric can opener coming from the kitchen interrupts the conversation. Fletcher and Richie look at each other with ‘oh, not again’ looks.
Richie (extinguishing cigarette and standing): Simon?
Fletcher: There’d better not be any creamed corn in there…Richie, you’ve got to be kidding me…
Richie (moving quickly towards kitchen): Simon! No!
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09/25/2005
Field Trip Fails: Students cited, injured
LOGTOWN (UPI) – Three Logtown High journalism students were injured and another eight received citations from local police during a field trip Thursday.
The injuries occurred at the local golf course, Loggers Row Public Links, when one student was struck by a ball in flight, one was run over by a golf cart, and the other was attacked by an undetermined wild animal while searching through the waist-deep grasses off the eighth fairway.
Two of the citations were issued at the golf course for minors in possession of alcohol, and the other six citations were given for loitering outside the local gentlemen’s establishment, Logger’s Wood.
While it appears from preliminary investigation that the injuries sustained at the golf course were accidents, it has yet to be determined if the adult chaperones face any sanctions for the students who received the citations.
“There is a rational explanation for the events that transpired on the journalism field trip,” journalism teacher Richie Potts said, reading from a prepared statement. “It doesn’t appear that any of the injuries sustained are serious, and I hope all of them heal quickly.”
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09/22/2005
Notes from Logtown
TIMBER!
The Logtown Lumber Company announced that its quarterly profits would be larger than predicted by analysts for the seventh consecutive quarter, which will result in added bonuses for every member of the 300+ employees of the self-owned business.
It is expected that most of the money, continuing custom, will be donated to the Logtown High football program.
The Logtown Lumber Company has called a press conference for tomorrow afternoon.
Parents of injured freshman contest detention
The parents of the Logtown High freshman injured in an outhouse explosion have contested their child’s mandatory detention for violating the ‘No Open Flames Near the Outhouse’ rule.
“We just moved here this summer, and we live in the Foundation District,” father Jim Smith said. “Our daughter didn’t know any better about how serious the ‘NO SMOKING’ sign in the outhouse truly is. I think she’s suffered enough, and I’m sure she’s learned her lesson.”
Wayne Plupe, Logtown principal, had no comment about Mr. Smith’s comments, nor did he respond to questions about penalties for freshmen that smoke on campus.
Students to get workplace experience
The Logtown High journalism class will take a field trip as they follow a local reporter on his duties writing for a professional newspaper.
Richie Potts, class instructor, was enthusiastic about showing his students what true journalism was all about.
“We only do this once every four years,” Potts said, “so that students only get to experience this once, and hopefully they will appreciate it more.”
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09/20/2005
Motion to oust Outhouse fails again
LOGTOWN (UPI) – City council voted tonight to keep the current Logtown High School symbol, despite the annual protest of Council member T.J. Bowl.
“One of these years,” Bowl said in a post-meeting interview, “I’m going to get one more vote and things will change for the better.”
Since Bowl was elected as the Council representative from District 3 - known to locals as ‘The Foundation District’ because there are no mobile homes in the District – he has campaigned unsuccessfully to have the Logtown High symbol changed from an outhouse to an oak tree.
“Why in Pete’s name would Logtown High have an oak tree for its symbol?” District 1 representative Stan Crapper opined after the meeting. “This town is all about logs, and having a tree for a symbol sends an unusually violent message to outsiders of our community.”
District 2 representative Pete Spurtz opposed the change for different reasons.
“As you know,” Spurtz said, “my entire district is comprised of mobile homes and shacks with dirt floors. Having that outhouse as a symbol for our institution of higher education hearkens back to the days when none of the homes in this town had indoor plumbing and that outhouse was the only place we had to go. Why in Stan’s name would we want to abandon our heritage?”
As recently as 1978, the outhouse in front of the high school was the only toilet in town. On Nov. 17, 1977, police records indicate that Stan Crapper and Pete Spurtz came to blows over who placed their hand on the door handle – Logtown etiquette for determining outhouse order – first. After the spring thaw, Crapper opened his own trailer park, Crapper’s Park, and installed his own outhouse.
In other council business, the council voted unanimously to rebuild the outhouse in front of the school after one of the freshman allegedly attempted to light a cigarette inside of it Monday morning during school hours. The freshman suffered severe burns, but will be given detention upon his return to school for violating the ‘No Open Flames Near the Outhouse’ rule that has been in effect since the town was founded.
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09/18/2005
An intro to Logtown
Last things first -- enough of this is fiction that you shouldn't believe it as true.
Welcome to the cast of characters at Logtown High, nickname Loggers.
Young MC is the girls' basketball coach. His claim to fame is that he broke the gender barrier in high school athletics by becoming the first male to play girls' basketball.
Simon Liebowitz is the short, bespectacled, bow-tie wearing political science teacher who rants in a thick southern accent, drinks heavily, and spends the first month of each school year with an unusual tan line resulting from the shaving of his face-covering summer beard. The louder and angrier he gets, the funnier it is.
Richie is the cafeteria manager and journalism teacher. He's really tall and skinny, and smokes cigarettes.
Fletcher is Richie's best friend and writes for the big town newspaper 40 miles away, but his only beat is covering events in Logtown, Population 3473. Fletcher has a lot of free time.
There are lots of other secondary characters who will be making appearances from time to time, occasionally when they're aware of it.
If ever the Tales From Logtown take a turn into nonsensical stage performances, I'm ripping the idea off from Richard Davis. Please don't sue.
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